Top Ten Most Wanted Angel/Buffy/other verse Face Offs
by Celeste

10. Gunn VS Snyder for “Most Shiny head”
Announcer: “Gentlemen, prepare your waxers…”

9. Kate VS Fox Mulder for “Paranoia” award
*bell sounds the start of the first round*
Mulder: “They’re after me Kate. They’re everywhere!”
Kate: “Who? What?” *looks worried*
Mulder: “The federal Government.”
 Kate: *scoffs* “That’s IT?” *gets hysterical* “The VAMPIRES Mulder, what about the VAMPIRES!?” *starts pulling at her hair and scratching gouges down her cheeks*

8. Doyle VS Barney Gumble for “Highest Blood Alcohol Level While Staying Coherent”
Doyle:  *knocks one back and grins at Barney* “Yah know…dis’ whole coherent thing? Entirely overrated…I’m hardly coherent aroun’ tha’ accen’ anyway Barn…” *puts arm around his opponent*
Barney: *belches loudly*
Doyle: *Swaying precariously on his bar stool* I totally, totally agree wid’ ya man…”

7. Wesley VS Season I and II Cordelia for “Screaming like a woman”
Wesley: “Ah…it’s a cockroach! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!!!” *screams and stomps feet, finger in his mouth, on the verge of tears*
Season I Cordy: “Harmony! I order you to kill it! Or one of you Cordettes! Go! C’mon!!”
Wesley: *Screams in soprano before passing out*
Cordy: *stands on a chair while looking expectantly at one of her cronies to dispatch the problem*

6. BTVS VS ATS for “Show most needing a plot”
Angel: “My super villain is a petite blond woman and a Los Angeles law firm full of pretty young white people.”
Buffy: “My arch nemesis is a spoiled, bitchy prima dona who wears tight Vivian Wang to kick my ass. My little sister was inserted fully-grown to fourteen and is completely and utterly annoying. My sidekicks are two lesbian witches who stutter and squeak, a centuries old ex demon with the tact of Cordelia and…Xander.”

5. Anya VS Cordelia for the “Tact” award.
Anya: “That odor can be eliminated with a bath.”
Cordelia: “Too bad that face can’t be too. I know an excellent plastic surgeon.”
Anya: “Yes, Xander told me about that. He said that he did your nose. It’s a very nice nose. It even looks real until you get too close.”
Cordelia: “And we’re all praying that you keep the whole personal space concept.”
Anya: *looks at Cordelia distastefully before turning to the judges* “Would you like us to begin now?”

4. Xander VS Scrappy Doo for “Most Annoying Scoobie Award”
Note: Due to the immense annoying-ness of this entire competition it has been cut and left to the reader’s imagination. All we want to inform you of is that Scrappy Doo, THANK GOD, was killed by an irate Torra after she couldn’t stand listening to the two go at it for another second. :P

3. Angel VS Chris Larabee (M7) for “Most self inflicted mental floggings”
Angel: “It’s all my fault. If I had been there a second earlier and I had KNOWN that guy was going to grab onto that particular little girl out of the entire group, I could have stopped him that much faster and stopped him from flinging the girl in front of the bus full of nuns whose driver didn’t see the stop sign. It’s all my fault.”
Chris: “I didn’t let my man get another gun even when he said he was going to and if I had he wouldn’t have fired the jammed one and missed, shooting the good guys from far range in incapacitating darkness and the bad guys would be arrested and half my team wouldn’t have been shot even though at the time, half of them weren’t in the line of fire. It’s all my fault.” *both sit in a dark corner, faces obscured by shadow, dressed completely in black, eyes slitted and brooding*

2. Spike VS Doyle for the coveted “Bad Ass Accent Award”
Spike: “Bollocks!” *grins at the judges*
Doyle: “Aye!” *waggles his eyebrows at judges*
*The competition stiffens and both redouble their efforts*
Spike: “Bloody hell!”
Doyle: “Damn!”
*both glare at their opponent and try to sound sexier with each coined phrase*
Spike: “Poofster!”
Doyle: “Dim wit!”
*both pause to think about their next barrage, noting that their scores are tied*
Spike: “You don’t ‘ave the STONES!”
Doyle: “It’s a lobster!”
*Look at each other and thicken their accents substantially*
Spike: “Wha’ about ‘ow I say “luv” tha’s got tha ladies swoonin eh?”
Doyle: “Yah! What about me man? Listen to tha sexy brogue yah?” *turns to a judge* Ya like tha’ then Princess?” *winks*
Spike: “I can say princess just as well then mate….” *turns the wicked, dark stare on the judges and half smiles*
*both turn at the sound of a loud THUD*
Spike: “Good goin’ mate, we made the judges pass out.” *shoves Doyle*
Doyle: *shoves him back* “Told ya I was damn sexy.”

1. Spike VS Angel for “Looks Best In A Duster Award”
*Spike and Angel both step out onto the runway, wearing their trademark billowing dusters. The LA girls try not to faint and do their judging correctly*
Spike: “Nervous Poofy?” *takes in the somber, uncomfortable expression (YES, EXPRESSION!) on Angel’s face and grins* “You know, if you can’t take it, you could always just drop out… we know you wouldn’t win anyway…”
Angel: *face hardens in resolve as the striptease music starts* “I’m in if you’re in William…” *raises daring eyebrow*
Spike: *scoffs* Are you kiddin’ mate? This is what I was born to do…” *pauses to wink over at one of the judges, who promptly sighs and faints dead away* “So, let’s get started shall we?” *smiles his killer smile and begins to strut down the cat walk, Duster doing the trademark billowing. Half of the judges faint*
Angel: *glowering darkly* “Fine…he wants to play that way?” *gives his best ‘I’m Angelus, a sexy, cocky ass son of a bitch’ smile before strutting in fashion similar to Spike*
Spike: *not expecting the sudden competition, he redoubles his efforts and throws a wry half smile over his shoulder, hiking up the collar on his duster as he does so* “Hah.” *more judges faint*
Angel: *glares at Spike before turning his bad assness up more by pushing the sides of his duster back and smiling a “come hither” smile*
Spike: *scoffs before turning back to the judges and wrapping his hands comfortably around his neck so the duster swishes and spills every which way*
Spike and Angel: *both pause, noticing that all their judges are unconscious, lusty smiles upon their faces.*
Spike: “Good goin! Now who’s gonna judge us!?”
Angel: *shrugs* “All I know is I look damn good.” *struts off the catwalk*
Spike: “Sure. If you’re goin’ for “beaten puppy” look.” *turns jacket collars down and exits to the opposite side of the catwalk*